Life and Emotions Are Not Divided Into Sections, But This Blog Entry Is: Part 1

Oftentimes in my life, I have tried to categorize or compartmentalize particular emotions and the situation that caused those emotions, into different little sections. “The hurt I am feeling from this particular instance with so-and-so will go neatly in this little corner of my mind, while I tuck away the stress I am feeling about taking this test for my class on the other side over there…” and so forth. I learned two valuable lessons from this.

First, the way that I thought that I was “handling” my emotions was in all reality, just hiding them. Facing your emotions always puts you in a position of vulnerability and is often downright terrifying. I was afraid of what would happen if I let myself feel those emotions, and it was my way of feeling like I had some sort of control of my life when I no longer had any sort of control over the situations that brought up said emotions in the first place. I couldn’t let myself cry; it would have been a sign of weakness. Any anger I felt, I automatically pushed it aside. Being angry wouldn’t change anything and could cause me to say or do things I never meant to in the first place. The list of emotions goes on and on, as does the metaphorical line up of moving boxes I would pack them in, shipping them as far away from myself as I possibly could. You know what I discovered?

Ignoring your emotions doesn’t stop them from existing or make them go away.

True, none of these emotions would change the situation I was in. But stopping myself from crying didn’t change the reality that I was sad, and putting on the façade that I was not angry did not make the anger disappear. Eventually, those feelings began to seep through into other aspects of my life. That’s when I decided to make a change.

So, if you should ever find yourself doing the same thing: if you need to cry, let yourself cry! Pull out that well-used, most-beloved hoodie you use to cuddle up on bad days, put on that sad song, chick flick, or whatever else it is you do when you need to have a good cry.

While I think it ill to let your anger out on another person, I still think you need to find a way to release that anger. Write a letter to the person you are angry with, read it out loud, then rip it up and throw it away when you are through. Burn that sweater he gave you that you never want to wear again. Go on a long drive and vent to the open road about that really long day at work. Have a good long chat with God about the things weighing upon your soul. Whatever it is that will allow you to feel, and more importantly let go of that anger, do it.

That being said, once you have let yourself feel it, don’t dwell on it. You have better things to be doing with your life than to be giving that feeling and that painful situation more attention than it deserves.

Taking Risks

We’ve all been there. We’ve all had moments in our lives where we really, really want something, but we don’t go after what we want. Why? Because the stakes are too high. What if we don’t make it? What if we finally have what we are reaching for right within our grasp, only to fail and have it be painstakingly ripped from our hands?

The fear of the worst possible heartache paralyzes us into giving up what we want most. None of us are immune to heartache, and when it hits, it can pierce our very soul.

I just recently had a situation where I knew what I wanted, and I was all in. I put my very heart and soul into every possible aspect of it that I could. I knew there was a possibility of getting my heart broken and not getting what I wanted, but I took the risk anyway. What I wanted meant so much to me that it was worth the risk of heartache. Doesn’t what I want most deserve that type of effort?

From the sounds of what I just told you, it might be easy to assume that I ended up getting exactly what I wanted. Well, you would be wrong in that assumption. Little by little, I watched as what I had worked so hard for and put so much effort into, what I wanted with every fiber of my being, slowly slip out of reach. I held on for as long as I could, fought with all of my might, but in vain, it would seem. The end result was still the same.

Then the heartache came. Boy, did it come. It was as if my heart was shattered into a million tiny pieces on the ground, and the more pieces I frantically tried to collect and put back together, the more pieces I dropped, creating even tinier pieces than I originally started with. Healing a damaged heart is not an easy process. Even as I am writing this, I am still learning how to move forward and heal from the aftermath of it all.

Knowing what I know now, would I do it all again? Absolutely. Why? Because the truth of the matter is, heartache is going to come into our lives whether we take a risk or not. Sure, it may be a different kind of heartache and perhaps a little less painful, but going after what you want brings meaning and purpose to your life. 

Wouldn’t you rather be able to look back and say that you put in every ounce of energy and effort possible into what you wanted and have the heartache from not getting said thing, than to look back and say that the only heartache you ever experienced was the kind that life threw at you when you had no other choice?

Sure, you may be able to say that you never experienced the worst kind of heartache from lost hopes and dreams. You will also never be able to say that you achieved what you were hoping for either, because you never took the risk of allowing yourself to dream, or go after those dreams, in the first place. Taking a risk and pursuing what you desire teaches you things that nothing else will. It creates your unique sense of character, and you begin to see more clearly the things you want out of life and what matters most to you.

So, the next time you get the chance to go after your hopes and dreams, go after them! I know I will. Because even if it doesn’t end up as I’d like it to, I will have learned invaluable lessons in the process, and I will be able to say that I truly lived. 

That Crazy Box of Chocolates We Call Life

Before the new year of 2015 began, I made a new year’s goal to start a blog. Originally, I was just going to post different things that happened in my life, funny stories, etc. But as the year has gone by, a lot of life-changing situations have happened. Situations that have changed and shaped who I am, my thoughts on life, and what I have become.  Life, most definitely, is like a box of chocolates; you really never know what you are going to get. This is when my idea about the blog began to change; I decided to write about the lessons I learned from my experiences, rather than about the experiences themselves.

I named my blog "the not so graceful life" for a reason. No one is perfect, but life is meant to be lived, and there are a million and one things that you can learn from every situation you are given. I, for one, want my life to be an adventure and to learn as many things as possible. I am hoping that by sharing what I learn with you as I go along the way, that it will somehow make a difference in your life and alter your course for the better. That way, when life decides to give you an orange crème filled chocolate, when all you really wanted was the one with the caramel in the center, perhaps you will have a little more footing as to what to do in the situation.