Why Women Choose the Jerks

Have you ever looked at some women and wondered why in the world they choose to date the jerks? Well today, I think I have some answers for you.

There are some girls out there who have always dated the jerks. I can’t explain those ones. I suppose they might have just unintentionally picked poorly from the get go, and have never known anything different. So, their luck continues in the same downward spiral in the relationship category. But what about the women who have dated such sweet guys, only to turn around and date a jerk?

Let me start by posing this question: What is one of the number one things a woman looks for in a relationship?

Security, stability. To know that they can always count on something to be constant. Which is why women generally start out looking for an amazing man who will love her, respect her, and essentially “sweep her off her feet”. She looks for a man who will provide for her, pick her up exactly when he says he will, etc…like I said, stability.

But what happens when that man she’s been searching for endlessly finally does come around, only to fail her? What if time and time again, she finds amazing men who seem like her exact fit and thinks will protect her from harm, only to be stabbed in the back by those same men? She is going to begin looking for her stability elsewhere.

In your mind, you might be thinking “Still yet. Why choose a jerk? There are so many other good guys out there!” Here are some points as to why a jerk seems like a perfect fit for them.

1)  Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well, these ladies have clearly tried looking for the same type of man over and over again, getting the same results. Why is it such a surprise that after having their heart broken a thousand times, they go after something different?

2)   A jerk will always be a jerk. Knowing this is actually strangely comforting. Here’s why: If a jerk ends up acting like jerk and stabs her in the back at the end of it all, well…it hurts, but comes as no surprise. He is a jerk, after all. If a supposed honest, kind, and sweet man suddenly stabs her in the back, that knife wound causes damage beyond belief, beyond repair. Far beyond what anyone can see. She turns around expecting to see an enemy, only to discover it’s the last person she ever expected it to be; the person she trusted the most. She can’t help but ask herself “Of all people, you? Why??” So, to spare herself said pain ever again, she chooses the safer option.

3)     Which is worse? Choosing a man who pretends to be a knight in shining armor, only to end up being a jerk? Or choosing a man who is a jerk, but who is at least honest about it? It could be debated that dishonesty of character could be just as bad (if not worse) than being a jerk.

Women protect these supposed gentlemen till the day that relationship dies. They talk about how good they are, and the sweet things they have done for them…and then have to watch as every word they said for and about them is discounted by that same man’s actions.

To all the guys out there who complain that “good guys finish last”…well, sorry. You’re not wrong, you usually do. The genuinely good guys do finish last, because they are buried and hidden amongst the men who pretend to be good guys, but are actually wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Then, to top it off for these women, rather than pinning it on the men it should actually be pinned on, a large portion of the genuinely good guys get angry at women in general for making said choice and refuse to date anymore. They become bitter and give up.

And people wonder why women choose the jerks.

Life and emotions are not divided into sections, but this blog entry is: Part 2

“I like you, but I can’t really see us going any further in a relationship.”

The words hung there in the air while I numbly sat holding the phone to my ear, ineffectively trying to grasp the words that he just said, and process what it would mean for my future.

Several years ago, I fell in love with my best friend. This man was my world. He taught me so much about myself and about the world around me. Due to circumstances in our lives, we had to be apart for a time, and in that time, he came to decide that “he couldn’t see us going any further”. Hearing those words come from his lips shattered me. Everything that I held dear, my hopes, my dreams, and my future were destroyed before my very eyes.

I tried to heal, but this particular kind of pain was one which was deeper than I had ever felt previously. I wasn’t sure how to go about picking myself back up. One year went by, and I still hadn’t progressed very far. The stress of it all began to take its toll. I rarely slept, my grades dropped, my hair began to fall out, I could hardly keep anything I ate down, and I lost 40 pounds within the year.

Worse than any of that, I lost my very best friend; someone who had helped me through it all and was more like a sister to me couldn’t take it anymore. It seemed I was waiting for myself to be completely healed before putting myself back out there again and by doing so, I was spiraling further and further down. It was as if I was somehow hoping she or someone else could save me or have the answer I was desperately looking for as to how to get out of the mess I was in.

It was her turning her back on me and walking away that woke me up. In that moment, I felt I had nothing left to lose, so I began pushing forward, trying new things, and meeting new people. That’s when I began to breathe again, to come back to life. I finally could see all of the opportunities I had ahead of me, and all the ones that I had lost, and determined never to let that happen again.

This past year, my resolve was tested. Over the time that had passed, a new man had entered into my life. I loved him more than I ever knew it was possible to love another human being, and would have loved nothing more than to marry and spend the rest of my life with him. Then, it happened again. I watched once more as someone who had become a very real and vital part of my life, turn and walk away. This time around, being done in a way that was a lot less classy and did nothing whatsoever to spare or protect my feelings. He had what he wanted, and that was all that mattered to him.

Taking the blow from this hit was even harder than the last time.

I wanted nothing more than to give up, to shrink back, curl up into a corner somewhere and shout “I quit! I can’t do this anymore.” But that determination, that voice in the back of my head kept me going. I was not going to let my life pass me by. I kept pushing forward even when it seemed pointless or when I couldn’t seem to see where the path I was on would take me.

I still have those moments where I want to quit, but let me tell you, the path I’m on now may not take away the pain, but it is a far better path than the one I was on years before; the one where I had stopped in my tracks.

You do not have to be done with, over, or completely healed from one situation in order to begin another chapter in your life.

You do not have to be totally over a best friend walking out of your life in order to begin forming new friendships with others, have fully processed the death of a loved one before stepping back out into the world, or have completely healed from a lost romantic relationship before opening the door for the possibility of another one to develop. Because chances are, you may never completely get over some of those situations, at least not in this lifetime, or anytime in the near future. They have changed your heart and shaped who you have now become.

That is not to say to jump into such things before you have had some time to heal. You and your emotional well-being need that. But let’s be honest, no one is ever really completely ready to let go of what they had before, until they actually take that first step forward towards something else.

Time does not stand still. If we were to wait until we were completely healed from every big emotional situation we have been through in life before moving forward, we would never move and life would pass us by.

At some point, we need to put ourselves out there again. The more you treat your heart like an injured one, the more it will become such. There is no predictor as to how long it will take to heal from a situation, but the more you step outside of that comfort zone and test it out, the more you will be able to gage when you will be ready and what your heart needs to heal.

Emotions are meant to be felt. Life is meant to be lived. I cannot stress that enough.

Life and Emotions Are Not Divided Into Sections, But This Blog Entry Is: Part 1

Oftentimes in my life, I have tried to categorize or compartmentalize particular emotions and the situation that caused those emotions, into different little sections. “The hurt I am feeling from this particular instance with so-and-so will go neatly in this little corner of my mind, while I tuck away the stress I am feeling about taking this test for my class on the other side over there…” and so forth. I learned two valuable lessons from this.

First, the way that I thought that I was “handling” my emotions was in all reality, just hiding them. Facing your emotions always puts you in a position of vulnerability and is often downright terrifying. I was afraid of what would happen if I let myself feel those emotions, and it was my way of feeling like I had some sort of control of my life when I no longer had any sort of control over the situations that brought up said emotions in the first place. I couldn’t let myself cry; it would have been a sign of weakness. Any anger I felt, I automatically pushed it aside. Being angry wouldn’t change anything and could cause me to say or do things I never meant to in the first place. The list of emotions goes on and on, as does the metaphorical line up of moving boxes I would pack them in, shipping them as far away from myself as I possibly could. You know what I discovered?

Ignoring your emotions doesn’t stop them from existing or make them go away.

True, none of these emotions would change the situation I was in. But stopping myself from crying didn’t change the reality that I was sad, and putting on the façade that I was not angry did not make the anger disappear. Eventually, those feelings began to seep through into other aspects of my life. That’s when I decided to make a change.

So, if you should ever find yourself doing the same thing: if you need to cry, let yourself cry! Pull out that well-used, most-beloved hoodie you use to cuddle up on bad days, put on that sad song, chick flick, or whatever else it is you do when you need to have a good cry.

While I think it ill to let your anger out on another person, I still think you need to find a way to release that anger. Write a letter to the person you are angry with, read it out loud, then rip it up and throw it away when you are through. Burn that sweater he gave you that you never want to wear again. Go on a long drive and vent to the open road about that really long day at work. Have a good long chat with God about the things weighing upon your soul. Whatever it is that will allow you to feel, and more importantly let go of that anger, do it.

That being said, once you have let yourself feel it, don’t dwell on it. You have better things to be doing with your life than to be giving that feeling and that painful situation more attention than it deserves.

Taking Risks

We’ve all been there. We’ve all had moments in our lives where we really, really want something, but we don’t go after what we want. Why? Because the stakes are too high. What if we don’t make it? What if we finally have what we are reaching for right within our grasp, only to fail and have it be painstakingly ripped from our hands?

The fear of the worst possible heartache paralyzes us into giving up what we want most. None of us are immune to heartache, and when it hits, it can pierce our very soul.

I just recently had a situation where I knew what I wanted, and I was all in. I put my very heart and soul into every possible aspect of it that I could. I knew there was a possibility of getting my heart broken and not getting what I wanted, but I took the risk anyway. What I wanted meant so much to me that it was worth the risk of heartache. Doesn’t what I want most deserve that type of effort?

From the sounds of what I just told you, it might be easy to assume that I ended up getting exactly what I wanted. Well, you would be wrong in that assumption. Little by little, I watched as what I had worked so hard for and put so much effort into, what I wanted with every fiber of my being, slowly slip out of reach. I held on for as long as I could, fought with all of my might, but in vain, it would seem. The end result was still the same.

Then the heartache came. Boy, did it come. It was as if my heart was shattered into a million tiny pieces on the ground, and the more pieces I frantically tried to collect and put back together, the more pieces I dropped, creating even tinier pieces than I originally started with. Healing a damaged heart is not an easy process. Even as I am writing this, I am still learning how to move forward and heal from the aftermath of it all.

Knowing what I know now, would I do it all again? Absolutely. Why? Because the truth of the matter is, heartache is going to come into our lives whether we take a risk or not. Sure, it may be a different kind of heartache and perhaps a little less painful, but going after what you want brings meaning and purpose to your life. 

Wouldn’t you rather be able to look back and say that you put in every ounce of energy and effort possible into what you wanted and have the heartache from not getting said thing, than to look back and say that the only heartache you ever experienced was the kind that life threw at you when you had no other choice?

Sure, you may be able to say that you never experienced the worst kind of heartache from lost hopes and dreams. You will also never be able to say that you achieved what you were hoping for either, because you never took the risk of allowing yourself to dream, or go after those dreams, in the first place. Taking a risk and pursuing what you desire teaches you things that nothing else will. It creates your unique sense of character, and you begin to see more clearly the things you want out of life and what matters most to you.

So, the next time you get the chance to go after your hopes and dreams, go after them! I know I will. Because even if it doesn’t end up as I’d like it to, I will have learned invaluable lessons in the process, and I will be able to say that I truly lived. 

That Crazy Box of Chocolates We Call Life

Before the new year of 2015 began, I made a new year’s goal to start a blog. Originally, I was just going to post different things that happened in my life, funny stories, etc. But as the year has gone by, a lot of life-changing situations have happened. Situations that have changed and shaped who I am, my thoughts on life, and what I have become.  Life, most definitely, is like a box of chocolates; you really never know what you are going to get. This is when my idea about the blog began to change; I decided to write about the lessons I learned from my experiences, rather than about the experiences themselves.

I named my blog "the not so graceful life" for a reason. No one is perfect, but life is meant to be lived, and there are a million and one things that you can learn from every situation you are given. I, for one, want my life to be an adventure and to learn as many things as possible. I am hoping that by sharing what I learn with you as I go along the way, that it will somehow make a difference in your life and alter your course for the better. That way, when life decides to give you an orange crème filled chocolate, when all you really wanted was the one with the caramel in the center, perhaps you will have a little more footing as to what to do in the situation.